"Chick Lit tells the story of a young girl named Agatha who one day, while collecting fire wood to blend into an immune-system boosting power shake, encounters a magic well. She knows the well is magic because it smells like Axe, and so she nervously calls three desperate wishes into its still black depths. There isn't a lot of room for storytelling in a three minute pop song, unless you're Bright Eyes, so that's where the story ends, but we definitely intend to pick it up in another song somewhere down the line. For now, try to revel in the promise of this initial set-up."
The Video
"We made a video. In it, we play pirates who contemplate a change in career when they learn that they could double their salaries by driving a semi truck."
A few things we wrote on our arm in Sharpie to remind ourselves to tell you about:
1) We shot a video for Chick Lit two weeks ago in an Irish national park just outside of Dublin. We got dogs, horses, Stetson hats, and cowboy boots involved. We got cold. We wielded knives and los. We ALSO noticed somebody skulking around with a camera all day -- and this morning she anonymously posted us some photos: GOOD FOR YOUR EYES LIKE BLUE LASERS.
2) We've employed a company called 'Concert Live' to shatter the laws of physics on this tour. On four of the UK dates, they'll record the set and mix it in a van outside the venue, then print it using a super-fast CD burner machine that looks like R2D2 but with five legs, and make it available for sale 10(!) minutes after the show. Actually, you can buy it anytime, including now, and then either pick it up after the show or have it shipped to you. There are many options; too many to count on one hand or enumerate in one email. But so we did it for the first time Saturday night at the Barrowlands in Glasgow, and it sounds pretty darn good. During Textbook, Keith went down into the crowd, just like Sinatra used to, and so you can hear kids singing into his mic, their voices all junked out on pills -- so that's the downside of the Barrowlands recording. On the plus side, on that very song, you have Max Hart adding some beautiful never-before-heard guitar line that amplifies the romance of an already romantic song tenfold. Live recordings! They practically define magic.
So the recordings are being made at the Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, and London shows, but the discs will be available at all shows after they've been recorded, until they're sold out (we're printing 1500 copies of each show). Check out Concert Live's website for all the factuals on this (you can also order the discs here): WE ARE LIKE PEARL JAM NOW.
3) Did you know today is the one day this century everybody, no matter their birthday, shares the same astrological destiny? Here it is:
You will entertain doubts. At around 7 p.m., your mother will call. Do not be surprised if something related to bark has you on the defensive. If you encounter out-of-season carolers, consider joining rather than ridiculing them: your head may not be in it but your heart will thank you.
You can still get our fantastic second album HERE.
Are you coming to see We Are Scientists on their April UK tour? Or did you miss out on a ticket but still want to experience the show?
Well you’re in luck as We Are Scientists will be releasing an exclusive number of live CDs recorded at a selection of dates on the tour. They will available to pick up directly after each night of the tour and through the Concert Live website: www.concertlive.co.uk
Only 1500 CD’s of each show are being produced with the band signing a selection of the live albums at random – so don’t miss out!
The Live CD’s are also available as part of an exclusive bundle that will include an exclusive version of next single ’Chick Lit’ (out 2nd June).
The bundle comes in two forms:
1. Live album + exclusive download of ’Chick Lit’. 2. Live album + exclusive download of ’Chick Lit’ plus physical formats of the single (2 7" Vinyl & CD).
You can either pre-order the Live CD for collection at the venue on the night or have it posted home.
Guys, holy ing , we did it. We did it. We released an album and meeted our goal of landing it SQUARELY IN THE TOP 11. Yes, es, we have a top 11 album. Brain Thrust Mastery, at the conclusion of its initial week of sales in the UK, is at number 11, or as we’re choosing to write it from now on, number !!.
Seriously, though, what are some interesting facts about 7-11? It turns out there are a few. Did you know that 7-11, besides selling snacks and sundries, has dipped its barbed quill into the movie rental ("Movie Quik"), gasoline ("Citgo"), and cell phone ("Speak Out Wireless") markets? That’s right, 7-11 sells snacks!
Fact 2: Japan has more 7-11 stores than any other country -- by a comfortable margin. Of the 28,123 7-11 stores responding to a survey last year, 11,500 are in Japan. 1400 are in Tokyo alone! To put this into perspective, Japan is super small.
What’s most interesting to us about 7-11, though, is that they’re active sponsors in their community (the world). They sponsor a basketball team, a cycling team, a race car. Their sponsorship of the Chicago White Sox entails the Sox beginning each home game at 7:11 or 7:12, despite the fact that official start time for Midwestern baseball games is around 7:10.
What we’d love to see is for 7-11 to sponsor this band. Why? Our album is at 11, for one. And with 7-11’s marketing dollars, we’re confident we can keep the album between 7 and 11 for the rest of the year (2007!). Notice, too, that the album has 11 songs. Finally, there are 7 people in our band, each playing 11 instruments over the course of a normal show. If you’re reading this and think this would be a good idea -- i.e., something mutually beneficial to W.A.S. and to the 7-11 Corp. -- please tell the 7-11 Corp., because we’re ready to do it.
One cool thing about driving around Britain doing in-stores, which is what we’re doing this week, is that you have plenty of time to watch the movies that you buy with the credit they give you at the stores you perform in. Here is just a taste of what we’ve been watching:
Judge Dredd* Rambo 1-3* Cobra* Cyborg* Double Impact* Executive Orders* Out For Justice* Above The Law (or Nico)* Under Siege* Under Siege II* On Deadly Ground*
If it seems like we’ve been focusing on Sylvester Stallone’s work, Jean Claude Van Damme’s important work, and the work of Steven Seagal, that’s because we don’t give any about anybody else. We literally, guys, don’t give A about anybody else or the "work" they’re doing.
If it’s been a while since you last watched the movies listed above, now is the time to refresh. We’ve marked with an asterisk the films that are absolutely crucial viewing for any thinking person who’s alive in 2008 and cares about art. To be honest, we weren’t initially convinced that Executive Orders deserved an asterisk. What happens in Executive Orders is that Steven Seagal dies in minute 22. When it happened, we grabbed the van’s steering wheel and drove straight into a fuel tanker we were so angry. In awarding the film a star, our thinking is: "This film has 22 minutes more Steven Seagal than 70% of the movies out there -- let’s give it an asterisk."
But all the other movies on the list are tied for first place in Art, probably even in the broader category of Work. These are simply great films. Take Cobra, for instance. Sylvester Stallone plays General Marion Cobretti, a cop with an attitude and absolutely zero tolerance for street s. Cobra (as his kids call him) shoots first, killing his target, and asks questions later, trying to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. He even wears leather gloves when he eats pizza. Much of the film catalogs Gunnery Sergeant Cobretti’s lethal showdown with a Los Angeles "murder gang" who have made a sport out of killing innocent people, much the way Cobra has made a sport out of killing suspected criminals. The winner takes all: Brigitte Nielssen, back when she was scorching hot:
Dying to know how it ends up? You need only consider that Sly Stallone went on to marry Brigitte Nielssen, whereas all of the actors who played members of the murder gang died in the making of Cobra.
Please leave your favorite quotes from Cyborg in the comments section, and ing watch this:
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Kickboxer Release date: 01 April, 1992
Has it even occurred to you dudes that if you mage a funk-load of hair gel into a horse’s mane and then stand it up, he’ll have the sweetest mohawk of all time? Get to work.
Fact: We have a new album out this week. BRAIN THRUST MASTERY is its name, having 11 perfect songs is pretty much its game.
"I have to have this. I need to own the item," you’re saying. No funk, guys. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy.
You need to decide how the acquisition will go down -- which avenue will you take to the palace? The royal palace that is possession of BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, you funking nut-piles.
- Download it from iTunes, the elder statesmen of intercup retailers who never mail things: iTUNES MAILS YOUR PACKAGE THROUGH INVISIBLE TUBES . iTubes downloaders should be prepared to get street-freaked by an incredible digital liner notes scheme that’s included with purchase.
- Buy it from your local record store! While you’re at it, grab a magazine, some delectable fresh candy, and take a relaxing crap in some toilets. In many ways, you can’t beat your local record store.
If you have an adventurous spirit, you may choose to pursue EACH of these purchasing options. To be honest, that’s a victory: you gain precious knowledge, we accrue precious gold. For a limited time, we’ve removed any limits on how many copies of B.T.M. you can buy. Call us fools. Even we don’t really understand why we’re doing this, except that we love to put gold in salads.
UNTEMPERED BEAUTY
We went on Colin Murray’s Radio 1 show Monday and brought unparalleled beauty with us. Playing with us during tender acoustic renditions of ’After Hours’, ’Chick Lit’, and ’Lethal Enforcer’ was a string quartet recruited from the ranks of the BBC Orchestra. The musicians were selected based on their attention to beauty, and their pion for putting gold in salads and stews.
Guys, let’s get "blog honest", honest like a blog demands. We’re up here in Preston, not too far from Manchester (we were in Manchester yesterday), and life is piling on the riches. First of all, the bar where we’re playing has been divulging cider to us all afternoon at no charge to us personally -- complimentary, you guys. The effect?
From left, you have Daren, Perry, Alice, and Pam. God, it’s just been a riot. The venue gave us a private room that’s, during busier times, a functioning bar unto itself. A funny moment this afternoon came when Keith stole behind the bar and nabbed himself a little bag of personal-serving Doritos. Mid-pilfer, his ears detected an employee shuffling down the hall toward us. He darted back around the bar to a table he was sharing with Chris and stuffed the Doritos under a jacket. The hilarity here comes from his concern over a 60p crisp bag -- he had £300 of gratis Bulmer’s in his chest at this point, you ing guys!
That’s called a sense of morals -- you will never understand.
One-time only offer: buy our album this week and we’ll teach you the Morals.
If you’ve been reading Livejournal lately then you know that we’ve been the sujet de jour, de semaine, et, god willing, du siecle. Rather than compose a gigantor email to you about what’s going on over the next five days, we thought we’d pull some (of your?) words straight off of Facebook, I mean Livejournal...
Regarding the album release, maizewhale666 writes: "new w.a.s. album btm [BRAIN THRUST MASTERY] ouut [sic] MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 17 March!!!!!!! Eye [sic] can’t waaait!!!"
On where to buy the album, gorghorde666 writes: "Cnt wait for the ’album’ -- gonna buy it from play.com theey always treat me right okay with coupoons."
On our new television advertisement, bariumberryMburyem666 writes: "I saw an advertisement on TV today for the new We Are Scientists album. It’s so good, I laughed. I recorded a video of it just with my camcorder pointed at the TV screen. Then I loaded that onto my computer and loaded that onto Youtube. Check it out!!!!!!"
Finally, see what seaRanchgorghorde says about our plans for Sunday: "W.A.S. playing the ’Play.com Live’ event this weekend, performing on Sunday 16th March. Tickets are still available to buy and cost just £6 for adults and £3 for children and can be purchased through http://www.play.com/live. When I heard this news, I quit my job immediately and put in for extra vacation time, talking to my boss about a salary increase -- she said she will consider it!"
Furthermore we want to make this promise to people who aren’t able to make it to one of our patented in-store signing events: if you purchase BRAIN THRUST MASTERY and see one or all of us on the street, and have your copy with you, we’ll sign it, then and there, no questions asked. We begin carrying pens TODAY.
We Are Scientists are playing Wembley Stadium as part of Play.com LIVE on the 16th of March. Tickets can be bought for £6 (adult) and 33 (child) from play.com. Why you're over at play.com why not pre-order We Are Scientists' new album, Brain Thrust Mastery? It's out next Monday
Release week for our new single AFTER HOURS is drawing to a close, and with it your chance to help make us even richer than we already are. You see, a top 5 single would spell tremendous wealth for We Are Scientists. We would be kings. We would command such authority as to be beyond even Razorlight's sway.
Here are the things we promise to do if AFTER HOURS breaks into the top 10: - Eliminate all private debt in Britain. - Make movies free to everyone under the age of 65. - All children taught to read by 2055 A.D.
Here's what you can expect if AFTER HOURS goes top 5: - Demons will be summoned and allowed to live among us. (Demons will have to abide by man's law.) - All animals will be shaved bald and given full body tat work.
And if AFTER HOURS becomes the 1 single this week, we will: - Consolidate all television news channels into one channel. Train a walrus to speak perfect English, put him in a red sweater, and make him the host of the news, 24 hours/day. He would be injected with a chemical tail that would allow him to forego sleep and just do the news.
As you can see, we're not the kind of band to hog the benefits of a high chart position: we're all about redistributing our gains. Get your copy of AFTER HOURS now!
As you may already know, our new single is out this week. It's called AFTER HOURS, and it's the first thing to come off of our new album BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, unless you count an unfathomable quantity of luke-warm anticipation!!
Own it: BUY IT; TO OWN IT, BUY IT.
Order AFTER HOURS in any of its wonderful formats (we got your picture discs, we got your box sets, we got your VHS) here: AFTER HOURS PURCHASE BUTTON REGION
Here is what the critics would be saying if they had taken our suggestions:
"AFTER HOURS is like a kitten licking my tongue with the sand-papery tongue of him. That is to say I was squeamish, but now can't imagine kissing another."
"It sounds like going to Heaven, going to Valhalla, going to Elysium, and then, at the end, sh** gets even better for that final chorus -- that is AFTER HOURS to me, this journalist." (cover review -- review appeared in its entirety on the cover of the magazine, on top of picture of Duffy, on top of her face)
"A blast of fresh air into the tomb of modern rock music. I dropped a turd. I've been listening to this non-stop since I received it four days ago -- I've listened to it nearly 1400 times. Over the last 200 listens or so, I've started to hate it a lot. It's not fair to review this track based on listens 1200-1400. AFTER HOURS makes me tear at my face right now, but it is an excellent song."
Our new single, AFTER HOURS, goes on sale today -- finally you will be given the opportunity to own a piece of history. Did you fail to snap up a chunk of the Berlin Wall when chunks were still available? Did you lose an eBay bidding war for Sputnik? To actor Gary Sinise? Did you lose it to Gary Sinise, or maybe actor Bruce Willis? Well now is your chance to make good. 50 years from now, when your grandchildren ask whether you have anything cool from the distant past that they can have, hand them the EXCLUSIVE BOXED VERSION OF AFTER HOURS, and shut them up for a solid half-hour. Or why not grab it now from ITUNES?
Of course there are a variety of alternative formats to choose from, some featuring the marvelous b-side Best Behaviour, others sporting grotesquely bad b-side Dig Dug. Just kidding! Dig Dug is a great song, you'll find!
For insightful thoughts on subjects ranging from economic stability to advancements in medicine to candy, please view this interview: AN INTERVIEW IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.
Intimate Show It's exactly what it sounds like: small venue, soft lights, sensual tunes -- sometimes jarringly sensual. And no rules, friends. We won't be breaking any rules for the simple reason that THERE WILL BE NO RULES.
Because we wish to caress every face present with our strong, sensitive, latex-covered fingers, there are very few seats available. Click HERE if you think you might enjoy coming (ha!) and want a ticket.
New Single 'After Hours', the first single off our new album 'Brain Thrust Mastery', is out 3rd March. The song is smart, funny, intense, raucous; it's fair-minded, playful, taut, a little ty; it's humble, high-performance, Haitian-sounding, inimitable; thought-provoking, haunting, efficient, insightful; it's-- YOU KNOW WHAT? We don't want to give too much away.
Why not watch the video HERE? or download on iTunes?
New Album That album we talked about in the last section comes out 17th March. If you have the money to buy it right now and worry that you'll squander that money on candy cigarettes or Tom Selleck posters before 17th March, consider pre-ordering the record from one of these reputable internet convicts:
There are new We Are Scientists European tour dates on the WAS myspace page. There's a hilarious interview with Chris over at Jo Whiley's blog. Check it out here then have a look at Chris Moyles' follow up experiment here!
This November and December, our neediest fans in the UK will be invited to reap the rewards of our latest philanthropic effort: BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, a free seminar design to help students take control of their lives, which are, let's face it, likely crashing and burning as we speak. These limited engagements feature instruction in such proven techniques as "Mind Sound (TM)," "Time Vision Performance (TM)," and "Emotional Intuition Transfer (TM)."
Take instantaneous control of your physical, academic, sexual, medical, psychological, historical, emotional, intellectual, financial, theoretical, and automotive destiny with BRAIN THRUST MASTERY!!!
Two nights ago tragedy struck in the form of a misbehaving Vox AC30 guitar amplifier. Tracking, like a freight train grinding to a halt, ground to a halt. And while at least one unknown dude's Sunday was spent performing a tedious and delicate amp repair, at least two dudes hit the freakin beach! It was sunny hike weather, so Keith and Chris slathered on sun tan oil, pulled up their pants, and drove straight at the ocean. Once they arrived, the beauty was so overwhelming that Chris couldn't stop taking pictures and Keith couldn't stop texting friends his impressions.
Keith to one friend: "can't. in bay area recording for few weeks. drink a pitcher for me. i will drink one for me, too, here."
And to another: "what say you to a 3 o'clock knocked up? i'm cougar hunting but will be back in hour or 2"
"you know you want to see it again. i've actually seen it TWICE, but i feel 3 more viewings in me"
"that has angelina jolie. i would rather actually be beheaded"
"why risk another cusack failure when knocked up is a slam dunk"
Ariel made the resumption of recording today feel tremendously special by hauling out some ceremonial garb.
Let's get a closer look at those shoes...
Ariel calls these "huraches", but admits that's probably the wrong term. Please leave a comment if you know the correct one so that again he might walk the righteous path.
Coming up in the next couple of days: a comprehensive guide to the guitar pedals that will color and shade the new album (tentatively titled Mermaid Stewwwww (Yuck!)). A little closer to home, you will lose your job.
It is on. The record (tentatively titled "Do Smoke Detectors Detect The Smell Of Smoke?") is beginning to look like an H-Bomb. Here's how it's gone down so far.
On Sunday we drove up to Sausalito (from Los Angeles) to start recording at The Plant. Along the way, somewhere near Fresno, we hit In-n-Out for some burgers-n-fries-n-370-degree-heat -- we found all three in abundance, as well as tons (literally!) of fat road warriors!
Once we got to The Plant in our cars, the natural thing to do was to walk inside.
The Plant's interior has some quirky details, such as this curvy hallway ...
... and this wobbly mirror, which makes things look all curvy! (Check out the camera's reflection: SOMETHING'S NOT QUITE RIGHT!!)
Time to record! We embled our instruments (pictured here: two violins) ...
... and we embled our mics and amps (pictured here: a green amp and a silver-and-grey mic) ...
... and our various pedals (pictured: a wonderful distortion pedal) ...
... and we got down to ing business!
Plenty of time is spent working out the perfect parts for each song. (Get a load of Ariel working out the perfect part for that piano.)
And a -ton of time is spent by Ariel editing stuff on his thinking machine.
Everybody mostly stands around and watches while he does the editing.
...
...
Sometimes we'll hit the hoop to kill time while he edits. This has been fruitful. All of us can now slam, stuff, do hook shots from up to a mile away, bounce the ball and then grab it and slam it, do a lay-up, shoot three pointers, and dribble. The basket features a breakaway rim and a regulation 4-ft. pole, and a leaf mat for tough landings.
Sometimes you'll come back inside from a long, tough game of hoops and find Ariel tooling around in the hallways on his razor scooter, shooting the with an old friend over the phone.
We're all very excited about the songs, though Ariel insists that it's not great musicianship but his razor scooter that's going to put this record over the top. Who knows, maybe he's right, at least about the fact that it won't be great musicianship that makes this album, because there won't be any (would maybe be Ariel's implication)!
More along these lines very shortly! Too long to hold your breath, but too short to take a vacation and hope not to fall behind while you're away! Anyway, vacations are mainly for holes, probably!
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Watchers Release date: 16 September, 1992
It's true, what you probably didn't hear: We played three shows in New York last week under the nom de guerre "Beat Up Old Fellas". Why the (sort of) secrecy? There was a little deliberate leaking, we admit. But everyone from some guy who wrote a comment on Brooklyn Vegan, to some other dude who has a blog, to this guy who's an fictitious character in this one dude's unpublished fan fiction, accused us of Intent To Manufacture Hype By Means Of Non-Secret "Secret" Show. And that was definitely part of it, and we are enjoying the lavish lifestyle that the recently-gained fame has afforded us, but mainly, we didn't want to play any of the stuff from With Love & Squalor because we had a bunch of new songs we wanted to try out before going into the studio to record them. So we didn't want any big With Love & Squalor fans showing up and being disappointed by an unrecognizable set. Thankfully, it worked. The kids didn't know what they were in for, didn't know who the we were, and they loved what they heard. Here's a picture from Friday night at Maxwell's of a dude whose expression can serve as a handy mean of all audience expressions taken as a group:
Hey, just kidding. Members of the audience were generally very receptive and outspoken with their praise. Here's just one of the friendly faces that kept the mood buoyant and fun throughout the three shows:
Michael made a t-shirt for us to sell, and sell it we did, at a premium: twenty bucks just to take part in bidding! Over a hundred people paid to bid! Some chick ended up paying over a grand!
Nick Spinto weathers the Spinto-merch sales slump brought on by the presence of a single Beat Up Old Fellas tee.
Joe Spinto may be tired of running from the cops, but Jon Spinto will never tire of mocking Joe's predicament (Joe stands accused of ing rabbits). (ing them hard guys.*)
* The rabbits die.
Master engineer Chris Coady, slated to man the mics on our upcoming album, breaks his one big rule by showing up and familiarizing himself with the music before deciding with absolute finality how it will sound on the record.
Karen Ruttner and Matt Rubano perfectly showcase the two possible responses Chris can get to his line, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"
Our new drum tech can barely talk and he s his pants every day, but he knows drums like a horse-whisperer knows horses and whispering to them, and how to convince the horse of things using whispers poured into the horse-ear, as well as, presumably, how to saddle and otherwise care for a horse, all while keeping his voice low; whispering, if you will.
Chris accomplishes using just one foot-pedal what takes Keith nearly a dozen: having more than one sound come from his instrument. Greater than or equal to two sounds, let's say.
Keith gets it done.
Chris gets it done.
Michael gets it done while following the game on his headset.
Above show photos taken by Justin Rice, co-director of the Textbook and Lousy Reputation videos, member of the magnificent Bishop Allen band, cat owner, fiancé, man. Guy. Fella.
Post performance, Shawn Lobb slaps it, snaps it, and wraps it, as we say in the live music business. Then he whaps it, baps it, and takes a crap on it, which is what separates him from even the best stage techs.
The photographer corners a tiger.
Four fans made it out to see W.A.S. after their laser vision penetrated the "Beat Up Old Fellas" disinformation campaign. Interestingly, the guy is from Stoke-on-Trent, but he was the only one of them who didn't seem to know who the we were. Suspicious, we thought, given how much time we've spent in that town! His authenticity was redeemed when, after we quizzed him on The Underground and The Sugarmill, Stoke's two finest venues, he shrugged and asked, "Yeah, but would you want to live there?" No sir! Death first! Death by fill-in-the-blank first!
Then there were these guys, who so aggressively pimped their buddies' band New York Howl (you see the t-shirt, but can you see the business card slipped into a back pocket? the persistent conversational refrain?) that it would surely damage our karma not to include a link here.
Jay Belin, booker for the Mercury Lounge, and Mike Mori, guy who books W.A.S. at the Mercury Lounge.
Three-sixths of The Spinto Band play a jazzed-up cover of Happy Birthday to a crowd only too happy to finally hear something they vaguely recognize.
Kendell walks away with the world's only Beat Up Old Fellas t-shirt, plus a $1200 hole in her pocket.
An irrepressible lady's man and director of mainstays in the W.A.S. videography like The Great Escape (version 1) and the Gilbert & George studies, Mathieu Shrontz knows where the major girl-crossings are in most clubs.
Michael seals the deal. Four hundred plastic combs to be delivered to the pier at midnight exactly. In exchange, the congressman dies, but in a way that makes it look like a gun and knife accident.
Keith kisses a vicious little anthill of grape Pixie Stick sugar off of Joe Spinto's baseball-shaped bicep.
Keith confronts Brian Teeth about having a mustache while playing in a band, calling it a "shameless, transparent stab at distractive marketing that can't begin to stand in for good music." Brian: not catching much of it; too drunk on free rounds for guy with mustache.
Guy has got his dick out, is why everybody else is so upset. (Good eye! That is indeed Mark from The King Left with his dick out!)
And that's about it guys... well, maybe there was one other teeny little thing. Okay, we're being coy! The fact is that yes, we did start a blog called Tits, Pits & Bits on Saturday night, and yes it did, virtually overnight, become the most important information thing ever. Please head on over for a look right now -- this thing is bigger than all of us, and is bound to outlast our grandchildren's very molecules!
It's been some time since we checked in with you all in any formal capacity. Sure, we've paid visits to most of you at your homes, bringing with us either a nice fruit tray or a nice-enough bottle of wine or some unexpired warm milk, depending on the time of day. And we wiled away the evening hours in the cozy confines of your living rooms, dens, bedrooms, bathtubs. And it was pleasant -- much was discussed -- and you got to know us better as people, and we you, and 99% of the time it was a thing to remember fondly. And occasionally the street out front would end up swimming in the red and blue light of all manner of emergency vehicles, and we'd have to get our friend the Senator on the horn just to avoid jail time, and this was all of a piece.
But it's been a while, has it not, since we addressed you in bulk? Since we went on the record in a way that would make it impossible to deny having said what we said? Since the facts were spelled out in plain English??
Well it's time to do just that. Here, for the record, is most of what we've been doing lately:
(1) Working on songs for the new album (tentatively titled "YOU ASK YOU FIND OUT ED UP SECRET"). (2) Chilling out in the manner popularized by the islands. (3) Smoking various doobs. (4) Kicking it irie with fellow members of our same gang. (5) Urgently nailing down a marg recipe. (6) Maxing. (7) Just like thinking about stuff.
But it's been primarily (1), rest ured. Let us be the first of many revered critics to ert that the songs on our next album are top balls. They are fuggin, like, yep. Kay guys? Stop worrying about the new songs. Don't care what anybody told you, no matter how much of an insider he was, no matter even if it was one of us individually: these songs are tip top, mountain top balls, believe it.
Couple of additional facts:
(1) Michael is living in LA, killing it, murdering the scene. Why'd he go? He heard they had great pizza. The irony is that the person who told him that was actually thinking of New York -- it's New York that has great pizza, not LA. And get this, full circle: New York is exactly where Michael moved from, guys. New York, where the good pizza actually is, as opposed to LA. LA, where Michael moved looking for good pizza, ironically. (2) The new album (tentatively titled "Collective Soul") is being produced by Ariel Rechtsaid ( DJ name: "Server Wars"; not "DJ Server Wars"; "Server Wars"). Ariel is the total same dude who recorded our last album, so don't worry, if you enjoyed our last album, this new one should be very much to your liking indeed! Of course, if you thought the last album was only okay, bear in mind that Ariel has made big changes to his producing approach. And if you hated the last album, realize that with this new album, both we and Ariel have aimed to do every last thing completely differently, right down to recording on cotton fabric instead of onto a computer. T-shirt material. It sounds real good, trust us, or we wouldn't do it. And if you didn't even know we released an album, or that we're a band, then you're going to love this next album. (3) We'll be recording the new album, tentatively called "DJ Server Wars", in the San Francisco Bay Area. Complete with sailing and land, this area has all to offer. (4) Chris's boy Dashiell continues to flourish and grow on a steady diet OF DOG BRAINS, believe it or not:
(5) We're playing the Siren Festival in New York later this summer, and then the [Carling Brand Of Canned Beer] Reading & Leeds Festival later on in August. If that isn't a full live schedule, we simply do not know what is.
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Her Alibi Release date: 10 November, 1998
It's the question that's been on everyone's mind in recent weeks, as he's shown up stage-left at show after show playing keyboards and guitar with equal facility, and in our dressing room, eating some the best stuff on our rider. Who is Max Hart? you reasonably wonder. And the time has come for us to respond.
Max Leland Hart (née Maximilien James Leland Snow), a.k.a., in no particular order, Max Snow, Max [i.e., maximum] Snow, The Snowman, Hart of Snow, Maximum Hart, Max-a-millions [DJ name], Maxillofacial, The Smile, Poisons Enemy, and The Max Tax, was born in northern California in the 1970's, when "gold fever" had seized the nation, driving hundreds of thousands of prospectors to the San Francisco area for a chance to make their fortunes. During these years, San Francisco would expand from little more than a frontier outpost to a literal boomtown, latticed with roads, dotted each week with new schools, churches, and of course, saloons. It was in these saloons where Max found his early education, watching attentively the movements of the barkeeps, croupiers, and prostitutes, with an eye toward increasing efficiency and profit. The story goes that at age 7 Max approached the owner of the '49er Brewpub & Whore'snest with a plan to double the establishment's take in a month. Intrigued by the youngster's gumption, though finding his suggested course of modifications rudimentary and naive, the owner decided to give Max a job sweeping floors. And that is what he's been doing this whole time, until we called him a couple weeks ago and asked him to go out on tour with us.
Okay, Max basically grew up in a house of ill repute -- but can the guy cut loose? "Plenty of my friends who grew up in whores'nests are my most reserved friends," you point out. Don't worry about Max, y'all. Boy ain't all business:
We know, we know. We still haven't answered the big question: Does Max look like Owen Wilson? And if so, can he offer any insight into Owen Wilson's whole suicide attempt thing? Well, yeah, he does kind of look like Owen Wilson. A lot of people think that. Take a look:
But Max claims not to have any inside dirt about Owen Wilson's suicide attempt. He also says he doesn't know whether Owen Wilson might try something like that again. When pressed, he admits that if he were Owen Wilson -- which he is, more than most people, anyway -- he wouldn't try it again; he says he'd be chastened by the first attempt and he'd get some help. Which is clic Max, as we've come to know him: seeing the best in people, even to a naive degree. One can only imagine what kind of hair-brained scheme little seven year-old Max offered that bar owner back in the gold rush days; even as one chuckles thinking about what it might've entailed, one sympathizes with the owner's decision to put little Max on broom-duty and keeping-the-whores-physically-clean duty.
So are we going to keep Max around? You tell us! Please take a second to fill out the poll below and let us know whether, when it comes to Max, we should "keep him" or "Jeep him"! By "Jeep him" we mean put him in a Jeep and send him packin' -- that's right, his own brand new 2008 Jeep, as a consolation prize, just for participating. Now vote already!
What? The poll doesn't work? That must be a sign that "man's fate must ne'er be decided by committee," as Max's old boss Ralph Waldo Emerson, the whoremaster, will still tell you if you visit his saloon. No, guys, there's no easy answer as to how long Max will stick around. Maybe we'll grow to hate his sanctimonious ways, which for now tickle us so. Maybe he'll grow to hate our open-minded, funny, refreshing, handsome ways, thus achieving what psychologists and bookies long ago labeled impossible. For now we're very pleased with the way he helps us pull off fully realized versions of the new material and put a little life back into some of those musty old nags.
Yes, Max may be around for quite some time, or he may ride out the next tour or two and then move along to other things, in his new Jeep. All we ask is that you trust us to do what's best for the band, and shut the up and mind your own business.
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Legend Release date: 02 June, 1998
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